Tag Archives: funny

Next Time, Try the Free Condoms (you can find them in the trash bin)

I’ve gotta hand it to Walmart for living up to their new tag line, “save money, live better.”  Apparently they’re giving out free EPT (Early Pregnancy Test) sticks.  We’ve all seen the, eh-hem “free” chicken nugget bites, that come in cups-to-go, near the hot deli station.  This pregnancy test stick, however, was a show stopper. Sitting on a shelf, in the housewares section, was one pregnancy test stick. It poses some questions.

First off, these things always come in a pack of 2. They always include a “second chance” stick in case you missed the mark on the practice stick or, you simply didn’t like the results. The backup second chance stick can be a God Send. It allows for a margin of error. You can fail the practice round but still have hope for a better outcome by simply adjusting your aim or saying a louder and longer prayer before you give it another go. 

Anyway, this is a solo, singular stick. A bit of panic takes hold. Where is the other one?  Is it in the dairy aisle?  What if I run into it by the eggs?  I don’t want a surprise like this in any aisle, especially a food aisle. I’ll just bet that baby is by the eggs.

The next question is why?  Why is it here?  She surely didn’t bring it from home.  Obviously it didn’t drop out of a purse and land on a shelf.  Did she go use it in the bathroom then come set it flat on the shelf for the required 5 minute processing time while she did a bit of shopping?  What was she shopping for? Diapers? Condoms? Chocolate ice-cream and pickles?

I guess she had to be strapped-for-cash or she would have purchased it before using it. This wasn’t a return. You can’t return things without the box.  This was one of those “used in store” but not purchased, sort-of-deals.  A try before you buy.  I know one thing; If you can’t afford to buy the EPT, you sure can’t afford a baby.

Maybe I jump too quickly to conclusions. She could have been a crazy pre-menopausal hormonal 50 yr old woman who got knock up by the pool boy after one too many mai tais and she had this little secret to keep from her husband, wife or significant other.

Maybe she got her period while shopping in white pants. Terror took hold and she grabbed what she thought was one of those little 10 count tampon boxes. There simply wasn’t time to get to the bathroom to save her pants. Hysteria set in. It happens.

Maybe is was a man who felt a wee bit sick and grabbed what he though was a thermometer. When it read positive he ran back to get some try-before-you-buy Tylenol.  Anything is possible at Walmart.

One question lingers; What were the results,  positive or negative?  I’m sorry to say, I don’t know the answer to that question either.  I wasn’t  bold nor brave enough to get within result-reading-range of the Lone Ranger. I hope it was good news. I sense this girl needed a bit of good news.

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Girl, You in Heap O’Trouble

Throughout my online dating career I maintained hope in finding a beautiful, funny, kind and compassionate guy with a zest for life that, at the very, least rivaled mine.   However, a far more logical and rational use of reading profile after profile, has surfaced. I’m switching careers from professional dater to writer. Keep an eye out for my first book:

“Girl, You In A Heap O’Trouble  Looking For A Man At Your Age.”

Train of Thought

Train 29 from Pittsburgh departure 11:59 p.m. to Chicago arrival 9:45 a.m. 

The ride could have been very romantic but it was not.  I was so cold that the temptation to spoon my 66 yr old chair neighbor, required my greatest efforts to resist.  I feared she’d wake up, try to move and find herself pinned to her chair with my legs draped over hers and my arms wrapped around her wide waist. Oh my, how she’d been a warm beast to cuddled.  The lady across the aisle tossed and turned endlessly causing a ruckus.  Again, I tried to resisted the urge to stand up, do the Curly eye-poke and a fast 5 chops to her solar plexus. She is now wide awake reading from her glaring iPad magnified to the font of 600.  I wish she was reading something interesting.  By the way, the traditionally dressed Muslims at the station were Catholics. They knew that the temperature would dropped below zero and dressed accordingly.  My eyelashes were frozen shut and I had to use the head rest napkin as a blanket for my feet. I tried like hell to fit my feet into the magazine pocket in the back of the chair in front of me but it only had enough give to fit something with width of a single defraction grading.  I didn’t bring water and everyone else has a bottle.  However, while the man behind me was sleeping I decided to take a brief stretch and do a quick sun salutation. On my forward fold, reaching for my toes, I grabbed the water bottle out of the bag he had so conveniently placed on the floor near his feet.  Inhale, sweeping arms up to the sky, with a brief pause at my lips, I chugged what turned out to be vodka. Exhale, bow back down and places the empty bottle safely back in it’s place. I’m now drunk enough to get some sleep.