If I had more musical talent I would get hotter dates.  This is scientific fact. Take a look at Billy Joel. Phil Collins. Seven Tyler. All fall into the NOT hot category.  If they weren’t in the band,  all 3 would be spinning around the Match.com. wheel of unfortunate.  More proof:  Shakira.  She had herself a lawyer until she tiptoed up to the mic and sang a little ditty called Waka Waka and BAM!  She landed herself a fine Spanish football player.  ¡caray!

Now, not all musical talent is created equal.  Case-in-point: I can play the triangle.  Well, I played one in preschool, but I think it would come back to me after a practice “ding” or two.  Hell, if I applied myself I could go pro in a weeks time.  Even as a pro, using this particular talent as date bait is sure to backfire.  I’ve a tendency to believe that the only thing a triangle will catch me is another moron.  After all, its name is a shape.

I could use the spoons to showcase my musical talent.  I’m familiar with spoons.  When I was in the 5th grade I won a lunch-time contest for spooning up the most words from a bowl of alphabet soup.  They even put my picture in the school paper.  I thought Campbell’s would ask me to be in their next commercial or put my face on a soup can, but the school had a tight privacy policy.  Campbells had no way to get a hold of me.

At any rate, I know I have the dexterity and fine motor skills for it,  plus I’ve had some professional training.  I studied under Curly Howard via a televised education course.  He played them brilliantly in Disorder in the Court.  If you haven’t seen his performance in that piece, carve out the time!

Still, I don’t think spoons is the best bait to lure out the finer of the species.  I love Larry, Moe and Curly but I’ve had my fill of American vaudeville, slapstick and physical farce.  I’m putting the comedic short film to rest and aiming to turn my life into a romantic movie marathon that streams only classic love stories, steamy erotica, romantic comedies and sexy foreign flicks.  Auditioning by slapping flatware against my knee, as sassy as that sounds, isn’t going to cast me in a roll opposite Chris Hemsworth.

My ability to recognize my lack of talent is one of my strengths.  I know if I decide to rock the mic, I will get NO dates, EVER.  My self-awareness in this department gives me a leg up on my competition.  If I squeak out a single note, I go home alone. Again. This is a useful bit of information.

I wish I could give self-awareness away as a gift because if you lack it, you’re not gonna figure it out on your own.  I’ve witnessed those completely blind to their own limitations and abilities.  I’ve seen microphones and ukulele assaulted with unadulterated passion. They are the triers. The seekers of love and acceptance, like the rest of us. God bless their unaware, tone-deaf souls.

Typically, we witness this public display of a crushing lack of self-awareness, in stunned silence as they yodel through song after song.  Even the ukulele covers it’s ears.  We looked around, our eyes wide in awe.  We smile and politely offer the “star for participation.” We might display outward signs of physical discomfort and scurry to the back of the lounge to stand near the emergency exit, but no one actually leaves.

No one gets out the gong. There is no stage hook. No insertion of earplugs. We certainly don’t boo anyone off the stage (unless we’re at the Apollo).  Simon Cowell, doesn’t stand up and say, “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” Instead, we give subtle signs that a grave mistake is being made.  We make every effort to encourage this “artist” to make the best decision for themselves, and for us. We lie by omission when we fail to say, “Oh, Hell NO!  Honey, you put that thing down and hush.” We stay, but in all honesty we are thinking, “Someone please pull the damn fire alarm!”

If this same artist was also a not-so-skilled driver and cut us off, suddenly love, acceptance and polite goes out the window.  Go ahead, howl like an ally cat all night long and we will keep putting out the cans of tuna, but change lanes without a blinker, horns will blast.

Online Daring Profile: Self-aware gifted spoon and triangle player seeking hot Spanish football player.

Disorder in the Court Three Stooges Episode

Just gotta say:

If you are a compassionate soul, you might fear I fail to take into consideration the love and acceptance we all seek. That I might fail to recognize the true person behind the song and singing (as bad as it may be – sorry, just can’t help myself).  This article is meant to amuse and  if I had to interject all of those beautiful a necessary things, I would write myself into circles. However, I do not fail to recognize them.  Everything we do is for attention, love, and acceptance.  It is our responsibility  to do our best to provide that to others, unconditionally. I hope, whether you suck at singing, or math… whether your manners are outrageous… whether you have 4 eyes of different colors… whether you have made many mistakes in life or have been perfect… whether you have lost it all or have it all… I hope, you are accepted, loved, and cherished for exactly who your are today and who you were yesterday.  Our fears, our pain, our joy, our sadness, our losses, our gains are our reality and only ignorance of others diminishes them. May you find a world willing to accept and see past preconceived notions judgments, ideas, or prejudices.  May we all be beautiful in our ugly dresses, unkempt hair and worst moments.

In the end, I hope you have that hand to hold. (& it’s attached to an arm)